Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.