Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new