Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Girl, if you鈥檙e into rocks, I promise you鈥檒l be
duolingo: he is a boy
me: 茅l es un ni帽o
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una ni帽a
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo鈥攚ait
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I鈥檝e put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let鈥檚 see who鈥檚 head explodes first.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
that lip filler tho
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????