Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
ππ€£ππ€£ππ€£
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks heβs Napoleon. Heβs fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you donβt know.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 wouldβ
Monolith Travel Agent: Iβm sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Dads, donβt tell your daughters they are βprettyβ. Tell them theyβre strong. Tell them theyβre smart. Tell them they canβt be prosecuted for theft until theyβre 10.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now heβs in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes π
dentist: your mouth?
me: no π
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I find a hole in one of my socks and think βalright, letβs put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.β
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn