Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!