School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
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My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks