A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
You Might Also Like
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
😂💯
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.