Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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welcome back
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?