@LosLos__: Got home late to a note that said "Wake me up for sex", which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
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@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
@TravLeBlanc: "What would Jesus do?" is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he'd get out and walk to shore. See?
@noogscorner: When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the shitstorm."
@AdamOfEarth: Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."