@LosLos__: Got home late to a note that said "Wake me up for sex", which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
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@Home_Halfway: Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely
@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@wickedimproper: Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night: Sup, girl?