@LosLos__: Got home late to a note that said "Wake me up for sex", which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
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@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
@RogueGod: After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c**t.
@zachraffio: They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
@Death_Buddy: ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE? "Haha a man obviously" *Detective places cheese on table* *suspect starts to sweat*