Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You Might Also Like
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?