Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
😂😂
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”