Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.