Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I am also baked goods
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: