Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*