@Home_Halfway: Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people's hair
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@david8hughes: [picking son up from soccer practice] Me: how was it? Coach: he did very well Me: how many goals did you score? Son: none Me: right well one of you is a liar then
@EdgarAllanLo: [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
@abrianmc: I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
@kwirkyKerri: Doc: You need to increase your protein intake. Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*