Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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japanese corn
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*