Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.