Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You Might Also Like
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.