My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me