Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.