Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Teach your children to beatbox
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…