Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
tinder is all about the long game
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh