Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?