Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Any refunds available?…
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.