@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
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@DannyZuker: Bet they weed out lots of people at big city detective school in the jump off building/land on roof of another building class.
@jwoodham: Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."
@tacsanitchiban: My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.