A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell