@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
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@rad_milk: i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.