what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You Might Also Like
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Home #decor warning.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”