Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
How dude HOW?!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.