@WilliamAder: Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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@aimlessamers: I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I'm going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride. *adds humanitarian to resume
@DanMentos: "Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister" *hands you an extremely small card* "WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS" Yes "Perfect"
@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.