@WilliamAder: Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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@SuperJuanderer: Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I'd say not relating well to other sentient beings. -I meant about the janitor job. Me: Oh ya, I don't know how to sweep
@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.