Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
everyone’s a critic
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday