Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.