Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
oh my gosh!!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”