Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne