WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.