@Brianhopecomedy: Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
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@krismuscookie: The WHICHING hour: when I lay awake in the wee hours labouring over which comebacks I should have used in every argument I've ever had.
@PJisBeast: I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail.
@liliths_lair: The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.