Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?