Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“Why you watching this shit?”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…