@IamEnidColeslaw: got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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@Phook75: Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
@llvvzz: Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
@normwilner: Spider-Man Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can Spins a web Any size Catches thieves Eats those guys Hey wait Don't do that Spider-Man
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"