@IamEnidColeslaw: got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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@PeachCoffin: When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she'd hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
@ChaseMit: "Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone's names again." - me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
@trevso_electric: Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.