got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets