got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack