Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm