If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then