I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.