Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?