@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
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@TwatWaffler69: Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack