Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
You Might Also Like
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen