Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*