Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The glockness monster
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.