@donni: Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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@Juicedballs: My wife dared me to yell out "HURRY UP HAYDEN" at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
@thejamietighe: In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
@BoobsRadley: Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body
@truegritrumble: (At Kentucky Derby) ME: I'd like to enter my horse for the race. EMPLOYEE: Sir, that's a cheetah. ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?