Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.