@donni: Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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@MunkMania: I like men in uniform, but sometimes it's hard to flirt when they're handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"
@notacroc: Date: Lets break the ice. Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?! D: I mea- PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
@novicefather: My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss. No DNA test necessary.