Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
how high up are we talkin’?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.