Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.