@michaelianblack: Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.
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@shkeeber: *camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line* *Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette* "It was a... shoeishide"
@1Happytwit: Kids don't scare me cause their little arms aren't strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
@mattingebretson: I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered "please stop stealing my spotlight"