The big book of baby names but for safe words
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
this country is so goddamn polarized
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
📽️movie date🎞️
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.