Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.