@robynpalmer1: Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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@EndhooS: "But I can't conquer China, it's way too big..." Now Genghis, what do I always say? *Sighs* "I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Phone with Mom] "Did you just friend request me?" I'm on fb now "I'm not adding you" Fine do your own laundry then *accepts friend request*
@NicestHippo: "Bro she's a cold digger" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"