Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”