@TheCattyLady: Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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@UncleBob56: Wife: What's your fantasy? Me: It involves your mom. W: Your disgusting! M: W: What is it? M: I always wished she'd taught you how to cook.
@AaronFullerton: Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."
@theshantilly: Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that? Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty.
@HatfieldAnne: If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.