Food gives you energy to nap more.
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
These 3D printers are insane!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you