@juliussharpe: Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
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@WheelTod: I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can't follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
@TweetsByTheTony: Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
@Amusitr0n: If someone's embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, "It's ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby's"
@sixfootcandy: Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door? Me: Maybe for free HBO. Cable Guy: Me: I'm kidding...sort of...not really. Cable Guy: